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Bell Tower that is. Probably not in the style of Charles Whitman, or that German soldier, ass-hat from Inglorious Basterds, but one where I rain down a storm of insults and expletives because I’m just so damned pissed off of late.

Where do I start? With the GOP’s attempt to redefine rape? With the South Dakota’s attempt to legalize murder? I can also throw in the Federal govt’s attempt to pull funding away from Planned Parenthood – again. Or do I go with the publicizing of Lara Logan’s sexual assault as a pre-emptive measure because some other a-hole of some other news agency thought it made for a great story? Or how about this despicable misogynist, Nir Rosen, who thought Logan’s experience was a humorous affair?

We’re just past Valentine’s Day and I’m not feeling the love from the men. I feel like it is open season on women and women’s’ rights, and that we’re half a step away from legalizing honor killings in this country.

Seriously dudes?? WHAT THE FUCK? I woke up today feeling like it’s not 2011 but 1918.

So here’s my 2-cents and then I’m done.

  • I am sick of the idiot men who comment about the “tragedy” of Logan’s experience and how all Muslims are evil when in this country, the United damn States of America, 1 in 6 women can expect to be raped and only 6% percent of rapist will ever serve prison time.  However, Logan wasn’t raped but sexually assaulted, not that many people, men or women, learn the difference. But here’s the fact of the matter: Logan’s assault wasn’t about religion, it was about the same damn thing assaulting a woman is always about: a man feeling free to dominate a woman simply because he fucking could.
  • We are a country of majority rule.  The majority of Americans support a woman’s right to choose. And while we’re at it, Pro-Choice does not mean Pro-Abortion. And Planned Parenthood is exactly that: an organization dedicated to the education of women and men on family planning while providing access to contraceptives. No one in this country does more to prevent unwanted pregnancies than Planned Parenthood. No other entity in this country provides low-cost, basic medical services to women than Planned Parenthood. So anyone who wants to yank their funding while damning abortion is a complete moron.
  • Abortion being “murder” is a matter of opinion, whereas killing someone who performs what is a legal activity in this country is, in fact, murder.
  • Nir Rosen, while removing the offender tweet, quitting his job, and apologizing profusely, still doesn’t get what is most disturbing about what he did. His response: “i apologize and take it back. joking with friends got out of line when i didnt want to back down. forgot twitter is not exactly private“. Whether or not it was a private conversation, whether or not you were “just making a joke”, rape and sexual assault are not hilarious frivolities, they are extreme acts of violence. And what is most horrifying about you, Nir Rosen, was that you heard a woman was raped and your very first instinct was to make a joke. I hope this event kills your career.

I’m trying to remain positive despite all this news right now. I’m trying to be thankful that I live in this country when it sucks to be a woman in about 75%  of the other places I could be living. But that being said, it isn’t always a party here either.

Men, you are all officially on my fecal roster until such time that matters improve. In the meantime, get a clue.

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Ladies, if I could have your attention, please, we have a few short announcements:

1. In case you haven’t heard, we’re all supposed to be 6 feet tall now, so do remember when you go shopping for pants, that you will have to add on an additional $10 for hemming. I know, the average woman is still only 5’2, but please, work with us.

2. Oh, and to further fufill that height requirement, poorly made, stilleto heels will be available for you at a price comparable to your monthly grocery bill.

3. In addition to the pants that only cover you one inch above your crotch, high waisted pants that didn’t look good back in the 80’s are now back to  further embarass you as well.

4. Large sized clothing will now be cut to fit smaller frames, but for convenience sake, will retain the “large” size tag.

5. Fitting rooms will continue to have garish lighting and mirrors tilting at a downward angle, so rest assured, you’ll still look like a troll in whatever you try on.

6. Customer service at retail establishments will continue to be snarky, unhelpful, and will never have your size.

7. Oh, new development, shirts this year will be empire cut and balloon shaped, however, you arms must now be the size of broom handles in order for the sleeves to fit.

8.  This year grey will be the new pink, and yellow will be the new brown.

9. Now, just a reminder: you are required to wear oddly hued tights with high-heeled ankle boots. Please check with your insurance company regarding coverage for high risk activities, because we’re fairly certain that emergency room visits for ankle sprains, ligament tears, and cut appendages are not covered.  

These rules are subject to change without prior notification and management shall not be held responsible for the bitching, complaining, any and all ensuing eating disorders, and violence against department store clerks.

Thank you for your continued cooperation and have a good day. 

Sailor Man and I were in Ireland in 2004 for the month leading up to elections, and I was astounded at how much attention the citizens of Ireland were paying to our political race for president. The presidential debates were televised nightly and discussed in great depth the following day in most newspapers. It was all anyone, who discovered my husband and I were Americans, wanted to talk about. And the most common question we fielded from men and women alike was “Why don’t you vote Hilary in? She’d be grand”.

See, Ireland is a country that has already had a female president. In short, they overcame their fear of the vagina.

I’m not saying this in support of Hilary for president, I haven’t yet made up my mind as to who I’ll be voting for this election (as opposed to the last election where I voted for Kerry on the “Sucks Less” platform). But the thing is, I have a serious problem with people who vehemently oppose Hilary Clinton without any thought as to why.

I have men in my office who revere  Bill Clinton. And I do mean revere, but when it comes to Hilary? “Can’t f*&^%$# stand her!”. Hmmm, they share the same politics, wouldn’t be surprised if they shared the same brain, so interest piqued, I ask why this is and the response I receive is “Just f*&^%$#@ do! Can’t stand her”.

Here’s the thing guys: it’s perfectly okay if you don’t like Hilary’s views, politics, hair, tone of voice, whatever, but saying you “just f*&^%$#@ do” is not good enough and makes you appear as an idiot who is afraid of the vagina.

Pakistan had a female Prime Minister in the 1980’s and yet we can’t manage to get a single woman into higher office here? In America? Home of the free land of the brave? Let us not forget that Pakistan is muslim country  for crying out loud! 

Have a drink, see a therapist, do what ever you have to do to get over it already, but please, for love of all things good in this world: have an honest and real opinion  on this issue because Vaginaphobia is a terrible, terrible thing.