Ye, gads, the hordes of New Years Resolutionists have yet again descended upon my happy place: the gym. It’s been a slow trickle at the Y this week but I’m expecting the Monsoon to start tonight. More like a Rain of Fashion Terror.

There’s a disconnect with people and how they dress in “public” versus how they dress from the “gym”. There’s a failure to understand that the gym is public and while I’m not suggesting you go in dressing for a business meeting, I am suggesting that clean and appropriate clothing that covers your body should be the order of the day.

Please note that I am not trying to make fun of the NYR’s. They took the first step towards health and that is a good thing I wish to encourage. The following list of fashion offenses is not limited to just NYR’s. I fully admit they occur in the rest population as well. So to all you NYR’s planning on invading what I like to call my State of Grace, here’s a few gym attire tips you might want to consider:

1. BOYS! For the love of all that is holy, can you please refrain from wearing the shirt thong? And don’t pretend you don’t know what I am referring to either. That ratty old t-shirt that you should have thrown out yet somehow decided that cutting massive gaping holes from collar to hip so that your underarm hair is flying full glory when you leak your sweaty man-juice all over the damn place because you were clearly raised in a barn and are incapable of wiping down equipment…oh hell, let’s just be honest about this. You wear that shirt that way because it shows off your nipples and you have this grossly mistaken notion that peekaboo nipples on a man is hot. Which they’re not. It just makes you look like a schlub who doesn’t own an proper shirt. Do us all a favor and leave the torso-loin-cloth to the privacy of your own home.

flips2. Flip flops? In the gym? Are you mad? The rules requiring members to wear shoes exists for a reason: one, feet stink, especially in gyms; and, two, shoes provide you with a minimal chance to save your toe when someone eventually drops a very heavy weight upon it; and three, they save you a toenail or two when you trip amongst the cardio machines because you weren’t watching where you were going. So don’t go getting all pissy with me when I rat you out to the staff. It’s a liability issue and you need to get with the program.

3. Who exactly are these goons wearing jeans and construction boots into the gym? How do they even move? Granted the boots will better protect you against dumbell drop-age, but they also tend to chew up floor mats and squeak to ear-splitting decibels on floor tiles.

4. The appropriate donning of spandex, like a speedo, is a privilege and not a right. Some people really need to give themselves a good honest look in the mirror prior to venturing into the gym. I am not suggesting that only perfect bodies sport this stuff, I’m just saying that when your fat rolls pop out between your stretchy layers is precisely when nudity becomes less revealing and more modest.

nudegym5. Ladies: VPL’s under spandex? Do I really need to elaborate? How about Backside Billboards? Do we need to go there? Let’s just leave it a simple agreement, shall we? You agree not to wear short-shorts with the waistband rolled down below your hips bones and I’ll refrain from jokes about “cracks in the pavement” when you bend over to tie your shoes.

6. Sportbras are exactly that: a bra. Like the guys with the shirt thong, ladies, please, throw a shirt over it. It’s messy when you sweat, embarrassing when I can see your nipple piercings through the fabric, HILARIOUS when you over stretch and nip-slips occur, but inappropriate in a gym with a family environment. Luckily, I don’t have kids, but I would hate to have to explain the abundance of sloppy uni-boob cleavage and tramp-stamps I’ve seen to a 6 year old.

and lastly…

7. Gentlemen, please leave the t-shirts with the foul language and offensive slogans for home where you can drag your knuckles on the ground in private. Believe me when I say this is a personal safety issue. I am the last broad you want “all up in your grill” about this, or at least that’s what the jackass I had words with last summer said when it happened to him.

Please remember that you are in close quarters with others and that gym is jot an extension of your living room. The nasty, holey, ill-fitting clothes you wear to clean house, mow the lawn, and wear in front of the TV while swilling beer and watching the game is fine when it’s just you and those who are supposed to love you regardless.

However, the other strangers and I at the gym are not yours and we will not love you regardless, so please, cover that business up.

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