1. The bigger the pooch, the stinkier they get.

2. I have an awfully big pooch. That’s about 125 lbs of stink.

3. A pooch not inclined to being bathed rarely acquiesces to the process being forced upon her person.

4. Given #1, #2, and #3, I really ought invest in a crane.

5. Bathing pooches in general is bad for the back.

6. I have an awfully bad back.

7. Trying to reason with said pooch, logically, about the necessity of the bathing process rarely garners the response and cooperation I wish to receive.

8. Does anyone talk their dog as much as I do mine?

9. With the amount hair the dog seems to lose in the bathing process, and thus, clogging the tub drain, you’d really think she’d be bald by now, and hence, preventing me from enduring this regular act of torture.

10. With regards to #9, sadly, this is not the case.