I admit it. I’ve been a bad blogger. Finals kicked my ass and I got sucked into a project that, is too, kicking my ass and the blog has been put to the wayside. HOWEVER, I’ve been tagged by Turkish Prawn over at Fox and Maus and I must confess, I was intrigued by the challenge.

In short, Esquire published a list of 75 things a man should be able to do. Yes, I’m a chick, and Turkish Prawn knows this, so things are about to get interesting. The Rules: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments. Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (to quote my mom: always use real butter)
2. Tell if someone is lying.

3. Take a photo.
4. Score a baseball game.
5. Name a book that matters. (ooooo, this changes by day, by weather, by my mood…but I’m going to go with A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn. I read it about once a year)
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (Queen! seriously, ask me anything, I dare you)
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
(don’t ask why, but I can trap, dress and cook a squirrel)
8. Not monopolize the conversation.
9. Write a letter.
10. Buy a suit. (simple, have it custom made)
11. Swim three different strokes.
(fly, back, and breast stroke)
12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
(it’s called civil indifference)
13. Throw a punch.
(I’m really good at this, my mom taught me)
14. Chop down a tree.
15. Calculate square footage.

16. Tie a bow tie.
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (Egg Nog!!)
18. Speak a foreign language.
(does swearing in multiples count?)
19. Approach a woman out of his league.
(I’ve played wing-man for male friends so I’ve actually done this. As far as men? Done that too. Rejection is overrated)
20. Sew a button.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.
(trust me, that multi-lingual swearing comes in handy)
22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it.
(hmmmm, should I shatter the illusion here ladies? )
23. Be loyal.
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
(Jameson, 18 year reserve, neat)
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.
(built a deck by myself on my first house)
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.

27. Play gin with an old guy.
28. Play go fish with a kid.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.
(if you read this blog regularly, you know this is not an issue)
30. Feign interest.
(hmmm. sorry? wha?)
31. Make a bed.

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (hey, bartender! these smooshed grapes taste like ass!)
33. Hit a jump shot in pool.
34. Dress a wound. (married to a sailor, I can perform minor surgery if necessary)
35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once)
(dad made me take auto shop before I could take drivers ed)
36. Make three different bets at a craps table.
37. Shuffle a deck of cards.
38. Tell a joke.
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
44. Ask for help.
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.
(easy, heel of the hand to the bridge of the nose-fast and hard)
46. Tell a woman’s dress size.
47. Recite one poem from memory.
48. Remove a stain.
49. Say no.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
51. Build a campfire.
(used to heat my house in Maine with wood, this I can do)
52. Step into a job no one wants to do.
(glutton for punishment)
53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
(no, you always kick ass, it goes with being a facist at heart)
54. Break up a fight.
(I was a Detroit bartender so it’s either employ a Galliano bottle or pick the biggest guy and give him a swift kick to the side of the knee to bring him down. Women? Let ’em fight. Trust me, you don’t want to get involved)
55. Point to the north at any time.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
57. Explain what a light-year is.
(again, refer to #29)
58. Avoid boredom.
59. Write a thank-you note.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
(Jameson’s Irish Whiskey!)
61. Cook bacon.
62. Hold a baby.
63. Deliver a eulogy. (done it. it sucks)
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve.
(yeah, Margaret Sanger is infinitely more important)
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap.

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral.
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (okay, I used to be able to do #66 and #67. Haven’t tried in a long time. Does that count?)
68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.
69. Tie a knot.
(yup, still married to that Sailor)
70. Shake hands.
(strong and firm, like I like my men)
71. Iron a shirt.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.
73. Caress a woman’s neck.
(puh-leeeze! although I’m thankful it’s recognized as a manly thing to know)
74. Know some birds.
(dude, I lived in Northern Michigan, the Chesapeake Bay and a freakin’ island off the coast of Maine. I know some birds!)
75. Negotiate a better price.

Hmmmm, not sure what to make of this. I know, it’s meant to be cheeky and totally arbitrary, but damn, a lot of things on my list of a what a man should be able to do seem to be missing. Like, #36 on my list: Know when to advise and when to just shut the hell up. Or my #5: Know when and how to say thank you according to the ocassion. It’s harder than you think. However, scoring 86% on a list of guy-skills ain’t too bad if I say so myself.

So, to pass along the task, I am tagging Emma and Girlgriot. I choose Emma because as a sassy, short, Italian, Jewish gal, this should be a hoot. And Girlgriot because she has a tough-ass job, is from New Yawk, and is just a general, all-around, kick-ass kinda broad.

All right, ladies, it’s all yours. Let’s see what kind of man you are.