I had this boss who lived in a bit of a fantasy world. Wicked smart lady, but her expectations and dreams aimed so high in certain cases, they tended to circle some where around the third moon of Jupiter. For instance: she wanted her PDA, Crackberry, Laptop, Desktop, and external email account to all magically sync in one happy place (like her dreams), and for years she had been harassing every IT guy that darkened her path with the challenge. When the IT guy couldn’t come up with answer, they immediately become “incompetent”, and she would become annoyed with me because I couldn’t locate a person who could solve her dilemma.

So one day, frustrated beyond belief, and sick and tired of trying to explain to her the concept of “proprietary technology”, I finally managed to put it in terms she could understand: Horse, Cow, Duck.

“You’re trying to get a horse to fuck a cow to produce a duck, so just give it up already.”

It became our thing. Our secret code. When she went flying off into the ether with her twisted machinations, I could always bring her back down to reality by cutting her off with Horse-Cow-Duck.

Such is the life of working for entrepreneurs, which I enjoy because I know my niche in things. I may not have the idea for the mouse trap, nor can I engineer the mouse trap, but I know how to take a mouse trap and make it better. I know how to simplify, clarify, break something down and put it back together in a way that makes more sense, runs more smoothly, or at least, doesn’t blow up in your face on a daily basis.

It’s a good relationship when it works, and when everyone knows where and why they fit in where they do, it’s sheer bliss. However, square pegs always exist and it is usually my job to re-craft the peg or pluck the peg out and find a new cog.

So my current situation is that I have not so much a square peg jamming up the machine as much as I have a water buffalo thinking it’s a cog. Boss Man, unfortunately, knows this to be true and instead of letting me do my job, he chooses instead to do the Non-Confrontational-Mambo in hopes the situation will magically right itself or just disappear altogether. I haven’t yet found the magical chemistry of words that will convince him that “Horses fucking Cows in hopes for Duck” is not only bad for business, it’s bad for employee morale.

I could take the deviant path and just run the water buffalo out of town, but that won’t solve the basic problem which is at root of everything that is wrong with this company. Boss Man needs trade in his Mambo for a “I’m-Not-A-Doormat-Cha-Cha”, and until Boss Man gets a new dance routine, the rest of the company sits and stews and dreams of grilling up some water buffalo brisket.

So I’m looking for a new combination that gets the point across. Instead of Horse, Cow, Duck something that captures how a water buffalo plus a lack of accountability produces a mass exodus.

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