“Guess what?! Drew and I are getting married and I want you to-”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m happy for you, I love you, but no.”

A big, fat, unequivocal “No”, mind you. I won’t do it and no amount of bribery, pleading, begging, crying or threats is going to make me a bridesmaid ever again in this lifetime. She should have known better, really, I said this 9 years ago and have been true to my word. Dammit, and I thought we were friends.

I have been in 13 weddings between the ages 18 and 26 and all I have to show for it are broken toes, battered egos, grabby-grabby groomsmen, and a collection of 12 of the ugliest dresses with matching shoes that I had to pay for!! Seriously, ladies, if you ever want revenge on a friend, bide your time, wait until you get married, have a big frilly to-do, and then pick out the most unattractive garment you can find. Insult to injury is making your friend buy the damn thing.

I’ve thought long and hard about what transgressions I might have perpetrated to have earned this, and except for the college party where I sewed one friend to her mattress (through her clothes) after she had passed out, I can’t really think of anything I did that was so terrible to merit such treatment in return.

My favorite of the ugly dresses has to be the one I wore to a high school chum’s wedding. It wasn’t so much that the blue-purple color made me look like a science experiment gone awry, or the terrible matching blue-purple kitten heels that tortured my feet, the piece de resistance! was the fact that all the other bridesmaids, friendships that had been made after high school, were all blond, tanned strippers with big ole’ fake boobs. To say I “stood out” was putting it lightly. Of course, I didn’t discover all this until four days before the wedding. Didn’t know my friend had picked up a part time job while going to grad school.

And as much as I hate big, obnoxious weddings, I used to daydream about having a ridiculous one of my own just so I could make every one of them be a bridesmaid and make them wear the dress they made me wear at their wedding. BUT since revenge is not truly complete without the financial penalty, I decided the ladies would have to wear a frilly, yellow, taffeta, organza, bridesmaid dress with brown, velvet ribbonry and brown, velvet heels to be worn in the height of summer. Outside.

Of course, I did no such thing. As even as a redhead, there’s just some levels even I won’t sink to.

I instead took all the dresses and had a quilt maker turn them into the World’s Fugliest Throw Blankets in December of 1999 and gave them out as presents. Back to the brides, of course.

Interestingly enough, my best friend, in whose wedding I was Maid of Honor, supplied the bridesmaid dresses free of charge, which were freakin’ beautiful. In fact, I still have mine AND have actually worn it again since. I decided that was the time to retire. On a high note.

And I haven’t been in a wedding since.

I’m sorry, sweetie. I love you, I am happy for you, but the answer is no.

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