I got caught in traffic entirely too long behind one my biggest pet peeves: a person who believes in angels. A minivan from Ohio was blocking my lane and had angel stickers all over the damn place with the proclamation “I Believe in Angels!” in bright pink lettering taking up her entire back window.

I can not tell you how much it offends my sense of adult-femalehood that grown women get all caught up in that cutesy, pink crap. You might as well also proclaim “Barbie is my Co-Pilot”, “Holly Hobby for President”, or “Faeries Do it Better”. Maybe I’m being too harsh here, but does anyone else find this kind of sentiment as exasperating as I do? The further infantilization of women by other women. As if the fashion industry with their puffy sleeves and tights isn’t bad enough?

And this childlike notion of angels really seems in contrast what I was taught about them in Catholic schools as a child. Michael, the warrior angel, Uriel, the angel of death, and Gabriel, the this-news-is-going-to-scare-the-beejeebers-out-of-you Fedex delivery angel. I was taught to see them as solemn and sometimes damn scary beings to deliver the word, to deliver a victory, or to deliver you into the next life. Angels always seemed to me like serious business, so how did this notion of them become warped and twisted into pretty-pink-ribbons-and-bows-tchotchkes planted on the windowsill?

And break it down from a “religious” point of view: doesn’t it supplant God or even Jesus by advancing such proclamations? So you believe in angels, what about the Big Guy? Amusingly, this belief in angels seems rather pagan, as if these people are trying to go back to a polytheistic approach to the world, which is more than fine by me. Bring back The Old Gods I say, the more the merrier. Let’s bring back Zeus, Thor, Odin, Athena, and Neptune. They can duke it out in the Thunderdome.

I’m going to start countering this insipid “angel lifestyle” by proclaiming my belief in Valkyries. Nordic Warrior Maidens who, on behalf of Odin, come down to claim the most worthy slain warriors from the battlefield for the feast in Valhalla. The Corpse Goddesses, kind of “angel” like only they whoop ass and give you wine and food for your troubles. Nothing pretty or pink about these shield maidens, they’ll kick you in the teeth.

I’m already expecting a crap load of hate mail for this entry, but here is is. So bring it on all you angel lovers! I’ll put my carrion-eating raven Valkyrie up against your plush-pink stuffed animal angel any day. My Valkyrie rides a wild boar, what do your angels ride?