All the presents for Giftmas are wrapped and ready except I haven’t any yet for my for my nieces. What does a post-modern feminist buy for her nieces that does not a) insult their intelligence or b) insult their femalehood?

There’s a place in hell for whomever invented the Bratz doll, I can tell you that. What the hell kind of person markets a doll that refers to little girls as a “brats”? What the hell kind of parent buys that crap for their kid?

And Barbie? Don’t get me started. Barbie has only served one purpose in my life and that was as the subject of numerous autopsies, car crashes, and cannibalistic rituals at the hands of my Weeble-Wobble toys. Yes, I am one of those. I am a proud serial Barbie murderer of long standing.

I’ve always bought the girls craft and art kits and made sure I spent the time doing the activites with them, but I’m beginning to lap myself. I suspect the science kits I have also bought over the years are still sitting unused on their closet shelves since the girls obviously don’t consider them as cool as presents as I think they are.

I will not buy video games. I will not contribute to the numbing of their humanity.

I have taken them to the opera, the ballet and the art musuem, all of which (I will be forever grateful) they really enjoyed.

They’re pretty well-read. I would be surprised to find something age appropriate they haven’t already conquered.

Cash blows as a gift. So do gift cards.

My precious girls are 9, 11 and 12. They’re about to leave that fun stage of gift giving.

The pressure is on.