I have the last wedding of the year occuring in a few hours and I think the wedding planner and I are going to throw down.

She’s a “church appointed” wedding planner, so she’s the tradition nazi that makes sure you kneel, sit, stand, turn-your-head-and-cough when you’re supposed to. I can deal with all of that just fine, but she and I are butting heads over communion.

I’m an atheist, so in a million freakin’ years I would never dream of being so disrespectful as to take communion in a Catholic church. This somehow doesn’t jive with the perfect balance of couples doing everything in unision, so she’s kinda flipping out on me. This broad actually thinks I should go up to the priest and just kind of, you know, “fake it”. The bride and groom have even asked her to back off but she’s not having it. She’s begged, she’s pleaded, she’s threatened, and she’s bribed.

I’m not budging.

I was asked to do a reading, and I’m only doing that because these are my dearest friends and because the reading, for coming from the Bible, isn’t all that overtly religious in tonality, so I can justify it. But that’s it, anything else is where I draw the line. I will not do something simply because it fits in with this woman’s idea of design and what “looks good”.

And if she tries to force the issue any further, I will not hesitate to issue a smackdown, because, afterall, I never said I was a good Christian.