Winter clothes shopping. I hate shopping. I try to buy off the internet as much as humanly possible, but when you’re an athletic woman with an athletic build, you have to actually go to the store and try crap on if you want to find something that actually fits.

So I have this wedding next weekend. I have the dress I’m going to wear to the ceremony, but I need something casual, yet nice, for the dinner the night before. I head to the Mall, manage to navigate the parking lot amidst all the freakin’ motorcoaches from Canada (can someone tell me what the hell is up with that anyway), and head into Macy’s.

I grab about a dozen dresses in various shades of grey and black and head into the changing room. I’m grabbing anything from a size 10 to a size 14. I find if something fits around my shoulders and arms, then it’s swinging like a bell down below. And if I try for something that fits the hips on down, then I can’t fit my arm through the sleeve. So multiple sizes are required.

A few salesperson were nice enough to grab different sizes and help zip, but we all had a moment of pause when I came out of the changing room in spaghetti strap dress to check myself in the large mirrors. Under the ever-so-attractive lighting that are in dressing rooms, what can I say? I looked like an inner-city, trannie hooker in a dress.

The next one fared much better. Less like a transexual and more like an NFL linebacker. Still, I remained optimistic and pushed on.

The next dress had puffy sleeves. Seinfeld jokes aside, and the obvious rant about the infantalization of women by the fashion industry, my shoulders are so broad that the sleeves started somewhere around my ears. I didn’t even bother zipping. Next, next and next!

Last dress. Halter top, black, knit. Fits shoulders because there are no shoulders, knit so that it fits everywhere else. Black, because it came in no other color and when you are as pale as the Mistress of Death, like me, not much else seems to work. 

It also looks like everything else I have in my closet.

Sigh, the search continues.