For a while I had been doing my best not to swear like the lorry driver I was raised to emulate. But I have to admit, I was good for a day, maybe two, then I reverted back to speaking my native tongue.

I know, it’s so declasse, but I really don’t give a rat’s ass anymore, it’s part of my vernacular and I’ve decided to embrace it.

To understand this, you have to know my parents. My father is world class swearer. Growing up in Detroit, swearing is an art form and with the regional sport being arguing with your neighbors, my old man has elevated cursing to the heights of the Sistine Chapel. When he turned that mouth onto us kids, two things usually went through our heads: one, “Crap! He’s really going to kill me!” and two, “I really need a pencil to write this stuff down”.

Little did they know that my parents were creating a monster. Like Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” I too, became a connoisseur of soap. It wasn’t so bad, my mom wasn’t such a good cook, so sometimes soap was a preferable way to end the evening. But, oooh, the invention of Soft Soap nearly ended my career more than once.

Growing up with older brothers, living on a block of mostly boys, and 13 years in Catholic schools did nothing to improve matters either. Boy could those nuns let loose in the teacher’s lounge! The best part was that my school was a stop over for missionaries on sabbatical, so I learned all sorts of cool swear words in other languages.

Yes, Sister Eustacia, ironically, you had much to do with the way I turned out.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as though I go around all day saying eff-this! and eff-that!. I swear judiciously, according to the situation. You might even say strategically. There’s some people and instances where I simply keep my mouth shut.

Lately though, I’ve been experimenting with new combinations and some retro standards. The way I figure it, if you update your wardrobe from time to time, shouldn’t you update your repertoire of swear words? How do you coordinate nail polish with the word s***? What bag best goes with damn?

I’ve also been utilizing some classics like jackass  and rat-bastard  for some time now. When I’m really p.o.’d though, I find rat-bastard-mother-f*****!  to be quite satisfying. Try it, I think you’ll agree.

I came across this hilarious website about Cuss Control. I’m tempted to send them a letter telling them where they can go.

And Sailor Man, oddly enough, never swears. I honestly don’t know how he gets through the day.

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