Woke up. No coffee in house.

Unfortunately, this means run to nearest faciliatator of coffee…the dreaded Starbucks.

I usually avoid this place for one reason: the people who patron there are morons. Yes, you are and I am calling you on it.

Let’s start with walking in the door. Simple concept. Walk in, approach counter. This means that sometimes, you’ll have to get close to another person so that people walking in the door behind you WON’T HAVE TO STAND OUTSIDE while you maintain your five feet of force field.

My next biggest bitch are the women who sit there and ramble off the Webster Dictionary with their “grande-half-caff-soy-vanilla-latte-light-foam-with-whip-and-room” while grilling the counter girl about the calorie content of a muffin the size of their head. If you’re on a diet then you don’t get order a coffee beverage with the calorie count of a Big Mac and then bitch about the lack information about the muffins. Here’s a clue: if the muffins are bigger than a bowling ball, then their probably going to make you fat!

I reserve my biggest rant for the counter people and this is a simple thing: if you are serving me, then please do not carry on conversation with the person behind me in line while you do nothing to get my order completed. Tall-breakfast-with-room. $1.55. Here’s my money, thank you very much.

Finally, let’s talk about the jackasses who stand at the condiment counter performing chemistry experiments on their beverage while all you want is a splash of half & half. Yo buddy! You’ve been here before, you’ve ordered this before, I’m pretty sure the combination hasn’t changed. So take some notes, be quick about your business and STOP BOGARTING THE COUNTER!

Life is simple people. Do not get in the way of people and their caffeine first thing in the morning. It’s dangerous, it’s stupid, and no one wins. So please act accordingly.