Ladies, if I could have your attention, please, we have a few short announcements:

1. In case you haven’t heard, we’re all supposed to be 6 feet tall now, so do remember when you go shopping for pants, that you will have to add on an additional $10 for hemming. I know, the average woman is still only 5’2, but please, work with us.

2. Oh, and to further fufill that height requirement, poorly made, stilleto heels will be available for you at a price comparable to your monthly grocery bill.

3. In addition to the pants that only cover you one inch above your crotch, high waisted pants that didn’t look good back in the 80’s are now back to  further embarass you as well.

4. Large sized clothing will now be cut to fit smaller frames, but for convenience sake, will retain the “large” size tag.

5. Fitting rooms will continue to have garish lighting and mirrors tilting at a downward angle, so rest assured, you’ll still look like a troll in whatever you try on.

6. Customer service at retail establishments will continue to be snarky, unhelpful, and will never have your size.

7. Oh, new development, shirts this year will be empire cut and balloon shaped, however, you arms must now be the size of broom handles in order for the sleeves to fit.

8.  This year grey will be the new pink, and yellow will be the new brown.

9. Now, just a reminder: you are required to wear oddly hued tights with high-heeled ankle boots. Please check with your insurance company regarding coverage for high risk activities, because we’re fairly certain that emergency room visits for ankle sprains, ligament tears, and cut appendages are not covered.  

These rules are subject to change without prior notification and management shall not be held responsible for the bitching, complaining, any and all ensuing eating disorders, and violence against department store clerks.

Thank you for your continued cooperation and have a good day.