Let me first start by saying that I like my dog better than I like most people. My dog is a 100 pounds of stubborn, criminally minded, opinionated mastiff and I would have placed her in a good military school long ago if I didn’t think they would break her spirit. But she’s my baby and I wouldn’t trade her for the world for the simple fact that she is the purest form of unconditional love I will ever have. I could starve her, beat her, and make her sleep in the rain and she’d love me. I have no idea why, but that’s the way it works and you just don’t get that from people. Not your family, your friends, your lovers or your spouses.

So, yeah, Michael Vick’s sentence could include being torn apart by a pack of rabid dogs and I would think it was just. But my problem isn’t really with Michael Vick, it’s with the NFL. Giving him or any other of the numerous felons on their rosters another chance at glory after a henious act is just that-heinous. Where the hell is the morality clause in these men’s contracts?

If the NFL is going to continuously provide convicted felons (yeah, I’m talking about you, Leon Searcy, Charles Jordan, Fulton Walker, Jim Dunaway, Lamar Thomson, Lawrence Phillips, Jack Harper, Jon Denton, et al.) with second chances, then I propose we modify the game of football to accomodate these “gentlemen” and their special talents.

First, the league will be entirely populated with convicts. Of course, that will mean we’ll lose about two-thirds of the players (really, don’t tell me you’re surprised), but that’s okay because we’ll supplement the game with weekly specials guests, like say, a group of battered women, alligators, family members of murder victims, rape victims, mistreated dogs, and drug dealers.

Secondly, we’re going Iron Man folks! No breaks, time outs, or pauses in the game for injury. No pads or helmets. We’re going au naturale. Mano y mano. However, our special guests will be amply provided with the weapons of their choosing. I think it’s only fair given the mammoth physical structure of these NFL beasts.

I can see it now, NFL players in their skivees being wildly chased by diminutive rape victims brandishing bats, stun guns and enough mace to stop the advancing Russian army. Dodging abused dogs who think nothing more of this being just another fight to make the master happy. Side stepping battered women who are thinking about the restraining order that was continuously violated. Getting viciously tackled by the family members of murdered loved ones looking for some semblance of justice.

Of course, our “gentlemen” players will largely be playing defense I imagine, but they’re in good shape, I’m sure they won’t mind running….